Heartwings says, “Listening is an art you can practice any time, with anyone.”

Remember when you were little and you tried to get someone—any grown-up to listen to you? They would either be alone and focused on a task, or talking to another grown-up. You’d speak louder and louder until they listened, only to dismiss what you were trying to tell them and go back to their grown-up doings. It was no fun being ignored, and often it was frustrating.

 Although today things are usually different for most children, it can still be hard, sometimes for a child to get someone’s attention. Getting a person to hear you means getting them to listen. Shouting seldom gets the kind of attention you may actually want. In my long life I have come to discover that in order to get people to hear you, you must first listen to them.

Listening is an art, and it is not often taught to children or to adults either. In most conversations, participants listening are actually thinking about how or with what ideas they will respond. Many of us do not really listen to what others are saying. Not only might the other person be speaking with a hidden agenda, he or she might simply be expressing feelings and not need more than compassionate sympathy.

Most   people hope to be helpful. They want others to feel happy, comfortable, or at least feel or be better. Toward that end they will make suggestions, give advice, or generally try to smooth things over. Many times this is not really what is needed. The person expressing the complaint may actually only be seeking sympathy and/or compassion. Often there is not much that can be done to “fix” things. To try to do so can even make situations worse. We all have our own ideas what might be done, and sadly can’t be, for whatever reason. Many of these begin with “If only…”.

All too often the phrase “if only” infers there is a situation which involves a change in a person, the attitude of another, or of circumstances which are fixed and immovable. The desired change may not be practical or even possible. Furthermore, what is actually vitally important is to acknowledge the complainer’s feelings. Whether the listener feels the complaint is justified or not, it is important for the that person to comprehend that to the complainer, it is.

There is an important rule or guide to behavior that is also part of the ancient wisdom: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  However, it is important to add: If you were they. If you complained, how would you like to be told what you did wrong? Or how you could fix something, if you hadn’t asked for help? When someone speaks of his or her trouble, what is often most relevant and definitely kinder is, “I am so sorry; I sympathize;” or just, “how hard that must be for you.” Simply listening is often enough.

May you find helpful ways to support those who are troubled or grieving.

Blessings and best regards, Tasha Halpert

PS Do you have stories to share or comments? I’d love to hear from you. Please write to me at tashahal@mail.com, and do check my blog to sign up so you won’t miss a Love Note at http://tashasperspective.com and click on Pujakins to get connected if you need to.