Heartwings says, “The more thanks we give, the closer we grow to good fortune.”

Is it appropriate to do good for selfish reasons, i.e., to do good for the reward? This thought has been going around in my head recently, and it seems quite a conundrum when you think about it. To do good, altruistically, without expectation of reward is or is said to be, the best of ways to act. Realistically, to do good without a motive, might be said to be an essentially unselfish act.

However, it is also true that what goes around comes around. What you do to or for another person will return to you, often in spades. This seems to me to be a good reason to behave oneself, as well, as I and others were brought up to do. My question is, does the motive matter? If I’m doing a kind act for selfish reasons, because I know I will receive back in some way, is there less of a reward or benefit than if I do it just out of kindness?

Common sense says, it ought not to matter, what goes around comes around, regardless. Besides, life is too short to be concerned with such trivial notions. What really matters is to be thankful, regardless. No one is perfect, nor is any circumstance, at least in the long run. The best anyone can do is the best they can. For instance, I never did enjoy riding a bicycle, no matter how hard I tried. I managed to fall off frequently. Once, after I had a tumble, when a kind stranger brought me and my bike home, my parents thanked him then after he left, berated me for accepting a ride from a stranger. Oh, well, such is life.

My parents did the best they could to protect me from whatever bad thing might happen. I am grateful to them for their caution and for their efforts. I was a friendly child and might well have gotten into some kind of trouble and suffered for it. However, thankfully I didn’t. Of course, I grew up to become a parent who practiced the same caution. Isn’t that always the way? We have one end of the behavior and then the other in order to understand how it all works out for the best.

On a daily basis I try hard to remember to express my gratitude for the smallest and even the most ordinary of blessings. The reason I do it is because I want to remember to be grateful and to take nothing for granted. In my experience people can disappear from my life without any warning, expected events and opportunities can vanish suddenly. When I have made note of a blessing at least I have acknowledged it. Gratitude is key for us all to have a successful, productive, and happy life regardless of motive.

May your giving of thanks become a constant experience.

Blessings and Best Regards, Tasha Halpert

PS do you remember to express your gratitude often? How is it for you? I do so enjoy your comments and emails. Write me at Tashahal@gmail.com, and for more Love Notes, check out my website at www.Heartwingsandfriends.com. 

Heartwings says, “What is perceived may alter what is received.”

As a very young child, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I answered, “I want to be married and I want to be famous.” How I knew or even if I knew what these meant is unknown to me now, however it is definitely what I said. I am married, and counting my first time, I have been married for sixty-seven of my nearly 87 years. I am happy to say I have no regrets.

As to the second, being famous, I have to decide what is meant by that. Being recognized in the supermarket as the author of a newspaper column might to some people mean being famous. Having kind things said about that column is equally nice. Being told by a reader that you have been helpful in some way is gratifying to hear. Does it mean I am famous? I don’t know. I can say that these experiences satisfy my initial desire to be famous. In other words, I’m sufficiently famous to suit me.

However, while these are pleasant experiences, something I have learned is not to dwell on feedback from others. My eldest daughter and I had a recent conversation about this. She was saying it was not her habit to base her self-value on feedback. I told her I loved that thought and would steal it, because I agree. I have learned that lesson more than once and have the stories to prove it. As far as I can determine, what people see in anyone else most often depends on the personal filters through which they perceive that person. We all have them; the trick is to be aware of them.

Years ago, I learned that if people praised me, it was because of what they liked about me, or what I had done for them or another. If they criticized me, they probably didn’t approve of what I had done or how they saw me.Their opinion was what influenced their response. I must admit it’s nicer to be praised than blamed, yet both are in the eye of the beholder. This was a new level in detachment for me. I had learned to be detached from possessions, now it was time to be detached from opinions both good and bad. I appreciated that lesson.

I myself must be the judge of how I am doing. I am the only one who really can tell how I am measuring up to my own standards. Being honest with myself, I can see my value to myself as well as to others. When I honor my efforts, recognize my efforts as worthy, and feel good about them, then I will have been successful, regardless of the result. We cannot all win the blue ribbon, but we can all try. And when we do, then we have succeeded.

May you enjoy success in your own eyes, whatever you try to do.

Blessings and best regards, Tasha Halpert

PS I treasure your comments and enjoy your communications. Do let me know what you think; I promise to respond. Please do write to me at Tashahal@gmail.com

Heartwings Love Notes 1057 The Beauty of Fall

Heartwings says, “When your eyes are open to beauty, your heart is too.”

Driving the country roads of New England is a nice experience most times of the year, but the fall presents an especially glorious season to do so. I was reflecting on this thought recently, as I drove Stephen and me to a town not far from our home in North Grafton, for our Covid Booster shots.

It was a bright, clear sunny day. We traveled on roads lined with trees expressing their fall exuberance. The noontime light shone through the brilliance of their red and yellow leaves. It was heartstoppingly beautiful. After we’d had our shots, I decided it would be fun to not go straight home but to have a meander—what I call a wandering adventure, in further traveling the lovely roads.

Though I hadn’t been on these streets before, knowing the area sufficiently, I didn’t fear getting lost. We drove down one astonishingly bright, curving tree lined road after another, marveling at the sights that unfolded. Both of us were enthralled with what we saw. I sent up a little prayer of gratitude. It was so peaceful, yet so exciting!

For a moment in time that stretched on and on, I had no thought for the troubles of the world, what we’d have for lunch, or anything beyond the present moment. As I drove, from time to time I’d point out an especially wonderful tree or vista. It was easy to keep my eyes on the road because that was where the action was anyway. Fortunately, there was no one behind me to grow annoyed at my somewhat slow pace. If there had been, I would have pulled over and let them pass. I was in no hurry to get anywhere. 

Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I cherish it, not only for its beauty but also for its interesting weather. Like spring it is a back-and-forth time of year. Cold alternates with warm as the season progresses. It’s coats one day and shorts the next. Having been born in the fall may have something to do with it. Also, there are the holidays to look forward to. Furthermore, as an adult I enjoy the opportunity to sleep better and longer as the dark hours take over from the light.

That night as we got ready for bed we talked about the glorious vistas, as well as splendid individual trees we had seen on our drive. I reflected how thankful I was for the opportunity to take the time to do the trip. Experiences like those are precious. Those of us who are fortunate to live where they are frequent are especially blessed. I hope to keep New England as my forever home.

May you find delight in the fall wherever you dwell.

Blessings and best regards, Tasha Halpert

PS Are you having a nice fall? Do you welcome it? If not, or if so, tell me why, I so appreciate readers’ comments. Let me know what you think, I am eager to hear. Write to me at Tashahal@gmail.com. Go to www.Heartwingsandfriends.com for more Love Notes.

Heartwings says, “Sometimes decisions can change with better information.”

We like where we live now, and we have lived here for eight years. It is convenient and cozy. It holds one good-sized room and a bedroom with a galley kitchen. It tends to get easily cluttered; however, we are accustomed to that and so are those who visit us. What just about everyone comments on is the most difficult aspect of our second-floor dwelling place: our stairs are steep and narrow. Fortunately, there is a strong banister to cling to, which I do. I also suggest to visitors that they do the same.

In the past I simply considered the stairs good exercise. Then I found them getting arduous. Parkinson’s had reduced my mobility, making the stairs more challenging. It became difficult both to go up and to go down. What was worse, I could no longer carry anything more than my cane. Stephen had to lug everything by himself. And the stairs weren’t easy for him either.

We began to seek a ground floor apartment and encountered nothing we either liked or that fit our budget. When we sought help at the Senior Center, we were told about a residence home in Whitinsville. My helpful daughter made an appointment for us both and we went to see it: an independent living situation set within a lovely pre-civil war mansion built by the owner of the original Whitinsville mills.

The amenities for residents included meals, snacks, laundry, electricity, heat, and housekeeping. It seemed ideal; however, the living arrangement consisted of one room only, with a bath. A lovely place to live, with generous rooms for relaxing, dining, and so on, it would mean giving up most of our possessions, or putting them in storage. Also, no one else in the residence was gluten intolerant. I could not ask the kitchen to make meals for just me, plus the danger of cross contamination.

Regardless of that, we said we move in and began preparing. What we didn’t yet know was what the price would be for two, versus one person. Over the next while as we waited for that information, we discussed how we would do this. I found myself filled with regrets on a daily basis for what I’d lose: making our meals, most of my wardrobe to fit the small closet space, the books I could not have with me, and more. Stephen was being stalwart and kind as he coped with what he could not fit into the space.

Then we were given the price. It was more than we had expected or planned for. How much did we really want to do this. This new factor completely altered the perspective. Much conversation ensued. Things changed in our minds. The illusion of leisurely living, with everything taken care of faded when confronted with the reality of what was not physically, mentally and emotionally going to work, so we declined–with a little regret and a big sigh of relief.

May your important decisions be guided by your truth,

Blessings and best regards, Tasha Halpert

PS Tell me about your decisions, and how they have been for you. I love it when readers share their stories. Please write me at tashahal@gmail.com. For more Heartwings, check out www.heartwingsandfriends.com.

Most if not all of us have a tendency to use certain phrases almost by rote. We may not use them on purpose, mindfully, but as a matter of habit. My mother had one. Almost invariably, when she could not find or had misplaced an item she said: “Somebody stole my…”. When I realized I had picked up this habit, I began curbing it.  I was making it more difficult to find the missing object. After all, if someone stole the item how could I ever find it? This is one example of a catch phrase, one that often becomes habitual.

Another example is the use of “always” and “never” when either complaining or scolding. “You always forget to shut off the light,” for instance, or “you never let me know when you’re coming.” Using these words is counterproductive and unnecessarily critical. They do little to no good to communicate what a person is trying to get across. Furthermore, they are probably not accurate, but are actually an expression of feelings rather than being a fact. Most everyone, whether they use them or not, probably remembers someone who consistently does or did.

I certainly heard these words from my mother over and over again. For most, especially parents, they are simply a habit of speech. What is important to remember is that they do not help. They often make things worse. They usually make the person addressed feel defensive, and then they are apt to deny doing or neglecting the act in question all the time. Too, the words, instead of helping to resolve the situation being discussed, will usually perpetuate the negativity of the conversation.

How often growing up did one or both of your parents use the words “always” and “never” to describe some act they hoped to correct. How did it make you feel? Did you feel criticized, perhaps unjustly? When another adult uses the same words, it is even worse. I try hard not to speak them because I don’t like how I feel when someone says them to me. They feel to me like a judgement of my character or my efforts. They feel unjust and arouse a sense of protest, making things worse for me and for the other, as well. If I make an effort to be conscious of what I say when I am speaking, it is easier to stop unhelpful but habitual words and phrases from being spoken aloud.  

Too, these words can cause hurt. There is no need for them. Instead of being an honest statement of how someone feels, they are an apparent criticism, pushing the argument along. What might be better and more effective would be to say, “When you forget to lock the door, it makes me feel …” or “When you forget to turn out the light, I get upset because it is a waste of energy—or drives up the electric bill.” This approach helps to heal the situation, not make it worse. When we become aware of this habit if speech, we can communicate more effectively, and everyone benefits.